And so, yet again, it begins

Injuries and diet burnout.

An obnoxious turn in the tone of the inner dialog.

I wish I knew where that shit comes from. I kind of do, it’s a culmination of drivel, prattle, and lectures from my childhood however, like a rogue AI project, it has taken on its own consciousness and delivers snark and vitriol like a bitter old drunk. Usually when I am in the middle of something, such as trying to muddle through a workout / modify so I don’t make my ankle worse, but pushing on so it feels like I’m doing something productive. That all usually ends in a huge “fukitol” pill and a few hours of TV before bed.

Too much toxicity from outside influences, including unrealistic, borderline obnoxious pressure. For example, I post a million pix of my furkids, pokemon go, and food. Who cares? Your choice to follow me or not. But to PM me to hassle me about a food choice, “do you really think it’s a good idea to eat a crepe? Is that whip cream fat free, cuz there’s sugar in that too, you know.”

I ignore it because I’m with an old friend I haven’t seen in years, or because I am with friend who is having a crisis and needs my undivided attention. The crepe is something ‘around that’, if it makes sense. Responding to my phone blowing up is not a priority. I glance, so yes it may show ‘seen’ or ‘received’, but unless it’s a legit emergency, defined by my personal criteria and not someone else’s, I’m ignoring it until later.

Or, “hey you need to do more than walk today. Pick up the iron or do some HIIT because it’s the only way you’re gonna lose that belly fat.”

Meanwhile, my ankle is elevated, I’m wishing for an ice bath because I just got out of the PT session, which is like a workout in and of itself, and I’m not supposed to workout for 24 hours to 48 hours after, lest I negate the work done and the money spent on it.

I’ve tried, it is not worth it. I’ve bowled 4 or 5 games within 24 hours of a PT session and paid for it over the next 3 days. NOT WORTH IT, but thanks for respecting that by responding that I’m not ‘in it to win it’… just what the fuck am I ‘winning’ anyway? That’s as ridiculous as the old telemarketing catch phrases; “smile and dial!” or “Let your smile shine through your voice”

oh shut the fuck up and sit your ass down.

Thank you for encouraging orthorexia, by the way, while I’m feeling ranty and yea, defensive. I get super tired of people feeling it is their calling or need to be a hero/savior by harassing or hassling someone about what they eat, what they choose for activities… I’m tired of what I “should” be eating and “should” be doing for exercise. Most of all, I am tired of being constantly hassled about it. Interrogated. My phone blowing up when I am out with friends and someone feels the need to assess what I’m doing; “you know, alcohol breaks down and sugar and with your belly fat, you shouldn’t have anymore sugar.” Or “maybe instead of spending so much time socializing, you should get some cardio in.”

I don’t care. No more fucks can be given.

Why?

Because I got to a point this year where it all had to just simply STOP. All of it. I’M responsible for me , not you, not your drive or lack thereof to workout, eat right etc. YOU are responsible for that. YOU are NOT my keeper.

And ironically, the shift did come at the launch of Pokémon Go. It became far more fun to take Java to the park, hike around catching Pokémon and bumping into others who are on the same quest. It became far more fun to encourage my friends to play because now we get out at least once a week, chat, drive around, play the game, have dinner together, walk around a park/square, engage with other random groups of people (mostly adults but there have been kids we battle in gyms too), and my steps have gone from a forced average of 10K to 15k+ a day (steps not km) . I’ve been to more parks over the past 2 months with Java than any “autumn hike” promotion. The game has allowed my dog to make friends and therefore, people to walk with in the park. While the weather is nice, it is not a fitness crime to forego a 25 min Shaun T dvd and opt to walk 2 or 3 miles instead. The world will not crash, fly off its axis and third world nations will not feel a bit better or worse off because I didn’t inspire you by pushing through an Insanity dvd.

Killing UltraJax Lounge has been a big positive, too. It was too much. What started out as just a space to share updates and pix became much more behind the scenes and way too much was expected of me and demands on my time. No one paid me for ‘services rendered’ yet expected me personally to be available at odd hours of the night and day to play shrink, to play sounding board, play coach, diet creator, workout creator, etc and while that’s okay on occasion, it’s far too easy for people to be given an inch and take a mile.

Something happened regarding all this to the point where it was just absolutely ridiculous and in my trademark fashion, when I’m done, I. Am. Done. I will close the door, lose the key, walk away, pour gasoline and light that bridge on fire. I’m pretty tolerant and pretty forgiving but when the same thing happens over and over (and over and over) and becomes something that is toxic, negative, draining, it’s got to go.

 

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